Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
