i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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