I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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