remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize