Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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