You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize