I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
