i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are my feet made of real feet?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
