someone threw a dead crab at me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize