My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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