The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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