actually, I'm a sock model
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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