I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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