I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
