he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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