OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
even my farts smell like vagina
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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