I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
