I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
