Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
