That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
