I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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