we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
