i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
