I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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