I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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