it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
