I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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