he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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