Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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