Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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