a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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