Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
