I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
