You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
