Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
