I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
being pregnant is like rehab
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
