Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
