When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize