his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
