I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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