Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
