I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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