dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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