If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
