Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
