u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
