Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
