I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
