it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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