Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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