come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
