he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
