I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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