I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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