just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
