five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
