Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
