He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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