see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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