so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So much rum. So many feels.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
